In her book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” author and law professor Amy Chua describes a style of parenting she calls “Chinese parenting”. It also serves as an autobiography.
Her book and especially her parenting was highly critiqued and debated when it was first debuted in 2011. Some people even accused her of abusing her children and described her work as a “disturbing”. In this text I will contrast the two opinions and try to answer if this is merely but a cultural difference or if Chua is forcing things on her children she shouldn’t.
“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you are good at it.”
— Amy Chua, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” (ln. 24)
The above thesis is the main way Chua justifies her style of parenting. She forces her children into success through practice and rote repetition, rather than having the child make their own decisions. According to her, “Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences”. This is because to her, success is very important. It is a matter of fact that almost all “Chinese children” become successful later in life, and this stays true for Chua’s 2 daughters.
However, success can be something very subjective. For Chua, success means academic success and succeeding at work. This might be totally different for lots of people, for whom success might mean having a family or landing their dream job.
I already mentioned how Chua thinks that she knows what is best for their children and therefore overrides their preferences. This is also something that received high amounts of criticism. People who Chua refers to as “Western parents” argue that by not giving the child the ability to discover their own preferences, attitudes and make their own experiences, Chua undermines their right to individuality and their free will.
On the other hand, Chua mentions extensively how it is not that she doesn’t care about her children. She describes her aggressive parenting style as a cultural difference. This is opposed by her saying that she doesn’t worry about her child’s mental health, “[t]hey assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”
Furthermore, she mentions that “the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it”. This is something that is very difficult to recommend. Especially if done from / at a young age, the child might think it is not loved and this is especially a problem if the parent(s) do not show a lot of affection otherwise. This may have a very big negative impact on the child’s development and lead to serious mental illnesses like depression or impostor syndrome.
In addition to that, she believes that her kids own her everything. Her children “must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.”. Here, her opinion is opposed by her own husband:
“Jed [Amy Chua’s husband] actually has the opposite view. ‘Children don’t choose their parents,’ he once said to me. ‘They don’t even choose to be born. It’s parents who foist life on their kids, so it’s the parents’ responsibility to provide for them. Kids don’t owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.‘”
— Amy Chua, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” (ln. 59)
She mentions that “this strikes [her] as a terrible deal for the Western parent”. One might call Chua selfish because of this, she decides freely to have children and then has high expectations of them, whilst the children have no word in those decisions. This might just be another cultural difference, however, suggesting this parenting style to other people does not conform to “Western” morales.
Last but not least, Chua mentions extensively how the term “Chinese parenting” does not discriminate based on heritage, but is rather an umbrella term she created for this style of parenting she knows as “Chinese”:
“I’m using the term ‘Chinese mother’ loosely. I recently met a supersuccessful white guy from South Dakota (you’ve seen him on television), and after comparing notes we decided that his working-class father had definitely been a Chinese mother. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish, and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise.
[…]
I think of it as Chinese, but I know a lot of non-Chinese parents – usually from Korea, India, or Pakistan – who have a very similar mind-set, so it may be an immigrant thing. Or maybe it’s the combination of being an immigrant and being from certain cultures.”*— Amy Chua, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” (ln. 18-23, 73-76)
Therefore, her parenting style may have certain cultural influences, but is generally just a style of parenting. It cannot be declared as a cultural difference because it is, according to Chua herself, a result of many factors. Especially, her book is targeted at a Western audience, so it seems more like an attempt at justification than anything else.
With the cultural difference argument ruled out, Chua’s style of parenting can be rated based on “Western” ideals and morals. According to all the arguments mentioned earlier and based on my humble personal opinion, I would declare her style as inappropriate in our modern, western world.
To clarify, I do not mean to declare Amy Chua “evil”, even though some critics do go that far. Her embrace of this style might have countless different reasons, beside her being raised in that way herself. However, her parenting style is inappropriate nowadays nonetheless.
*“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”*― Kahlil Gibran, American-Lebanese writer, author of “The Prophet”, one of the most translated books worldwide (*1883, †1936)